Handling difficult teenagers can be quite hard but there is a secret to modern parenting which you must know, if you really want to succeed as a parent. Busayo was a twelve-and-a-half years old girl. She turned irritable and moody and demanded so much time to be alone in her room. But oftentimes while she is alone, Busayo spent all her time socializing with her friends on different social media platforms. She rarely gave attention to family.
She could consent to eat dinner with the rest of the family but quickly retreated to her room as soon as she was done with eating even when the meal isn’t over.
Ask her some innocent questions, but expect some nasty comments for no specific reason. Busayo constantly rolled eyeballs and gave her parents the finger while also walking out of them. See also:
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Her parents felt helpless. All efforts to reason and be more available to her yielded no positive results. In fact, Busayo unleashed another dose of nastiness as a result. She would often interact with her parents as if they had some leprosy or plague and turn away from them dramatically whenever they tried to draw her close.
She created tension in the home that put everyone on the edge. Every little issue with her is magnified and turned into arguments. And this situation also put her parents in some regular frictions over what should be done.
Other issue created by the situation caused by Busayo is the little attention being given to her 9-year-old brother, David, who is seeing all these going on.
This situation mirrors similar situations in most homes. But you do not have to despair, because many things can still be done about your teenager’s behaviors. You need to first understand the misconceptions about your teenager’s attitude and behavior that makes you as a parent less effective.
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These are 3 Myths you should embrace your Teenager’s Attitude
1. That Your Teenager Is Deliberate With Bad Behaviours
One thing you may have gotten wrong all the while is that your teenager is putting forth bad behaviors deliberately. Maybe that seems like some sort of consolation, but she is not likely doing those things on purpose. She isn’t trying to manipulate or annoy. In fact, she is also a victim of psychological and biological changes over which she has very little control.
She is just on a rollercoaster of adolescence, and yes, you are riding along with her.
An important example of what is going on in her is extensive changes in the brain. There is more speedy development of areas and functionalities that increases risk-taking, impulsivity, and likelihood of peer influence. And those aspects of the structural and functional part of the brain we wish would be well established – such as rational decision making, self-control, restraining oneself, are coming to light gradually. They will not be totally developed until later as adolescence.
These changes can however be experienced in different forms by different teenagers, but parents had better embrace the fact that these changes cannot be simply switched off or on based on what parents do or say.
2. Serving Severe Punishments To Your Teenagers Will Make Them Get Rid Of The Bad Behaviours
It is natural for most parents to express their displeasure towards a teenager’s bad behavior when handling difficult teenagers, by giving out consequences that are expected to teach them lessons. Punishing them will help parents to contend with the frustration that every other method seems to have failed. But punishments from mild to severe forms are not likely to make real changes in the behavior of your teenagers whether in the short or long term. Perhaps, you may get pretense from them as a result.
When it comes to adolescents, punishments often make things worse. They would more likely isolate themselves even further and connect less with the family. They will also appear and interact less with their parents as a result. That would increase the chances of negative influences such as, drug use and abuse, depression, and suicidal tendencies.
3. Reasoning With Your Teenager Will Do The Trick
It is very wonderful to be reasonable with your kids and teenagers. It helps them demonstrate a way of solving problems, thinking, and handling conflicts. It can also have long-lasting effects on how their eventual adult life turns. But insights into what goes on with a teenager has revealed that it is not likely to make immediate difference in their attitude and behavior.
There are scanty people around who will get persuaded to do things they know they should do by just ‘reason’. And this is even less likely to work with teenagers who are still undergoing major developmental changes in their lives. Not teens alone, however.
But it is reasonable with your teens can help not to heighten the stress between your teenager and you. It is good, easy, and even important to pass a hug and say “I love you” when everything seems fine. But being reasonable in the face of crisis can be quite challenging.
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These Tips Will Help You Improve Teenage attitude
1. Keep The Punishments Mild
If you feel you must punish when handling difficult teenagers our teenager, then you should consider some mild punishments such as loss of privileges like smartphones, TV programs, tablets, or going out. This should better be considered with your teenagers rather than some severe methods. Also, ensure to make it brief perhaps a night or day. Making it more than that may lose any effect and make things worse. Like your teenager may begin to consider avoidance, escaping, or some stronger emotional reactions.
Punishment itself would yield very little to no real result, but when you combine a mild punishment with more attention to the positive behavior, that would help improve your teenager’s attitude as she grows older.
2. Make The Best Use Of The Good Times
There are moments when your teenager just talks nicely. This may be during a mundane daily period around the house or meal-time. You can help decrease the bad behaviors by giving attention to these positive moments systematically. It would significantly increase the proportion of times when your child is in her best or civil behavior.
Catch them during their reasonable moments. Walk up to your teenager immediately after some nice conversations or comments together and tell her quietly, “It is so nice to talk with you,” or “Thanks for talking so nicely.”
You can add a great nonverbal communication handling difficult teenagers, like putting a pat on her. But if she seems to be avoiding you, you may consider a thumbs up in the air or high-five instead. Ensure not to raise this praise or attention in a shout across the room, it may embarrass them instead. Just make it brief and return to what you were doing.
Employ this approach like once or twice daily, you should experience some positive improvements in them.
3. Find A Way To Compromise
Teenagers often believe they need so much freedom which they think their parents aren’t giving them. They think their parents are too controlling. But you really do not have to argue this with them, what you should hold is their perception of the lack of freedom. Consider ways you can try to encourage a little more freedom and choice for them. The decision would help to increase overall cooperation of your child.
You can give some flexibility with their hairstyle, food, and clothing. The issue is to highlight some things you have given a “no” or “absolutely not” to in the past. We parents often get a bit worried over a “slippery slope” — that is, if I give a little here, it will not end.
Just maybe the reverse is true of your teenager. If you can consider some ways to compromise to give your teenager a little more of the freedom they ask, you are likely to be more effective in the areas that you are not able to compromise.
Whenhandling difficult teenagers communicating with them, keep it short, do not overdo the eye contact, give them time to process your words, and stay calm. Parents should compromise in the things that are not likely to be permanent.
4. Stop Redundant Questioning
Almost every parent has been employing the redundant questioning in dealing with their teenagers. The method often goes side-by-side with the “thank you”, instead of “please.”
Perhaps you are still wondering if you fall into this category. If any of these redundant questions ring just like you, I am sure you do not want the answer to the questions.
1. “Can you stop doing that?” Ans: ..no!
2. “How many times do I have to tell you?” Ans: ..A million and one times! (mind you, your teenagers can be quite clever, sarky little things!)
3. “What is your problem?” Ans: …you!
4. “Why are you doing that?” Ans: ..because I want to!
You should try to reconsider your questions henceforth. There are some things you do not even need to ask about, while you can rephrase some others to work well for you.
Replace the above with something like…
1. “Stop doing that!”. Give a direct instruction – not a choice.
2. “I have told you enough times. Now there will be consequences”. Or “I have told you enough times. One more time, and there will be consequences.”
3. (Just don’t say that at all)
4. (Again, just don’t say that at all. It is not necessary)
And if you already have boundaries set already, your teenagers should already know in the situation that they are doing wrong in the first place.
5. Be Authoritative – Both In Speech And Body Language
Parents can easily get entangled with asserting our voice so much in situations with our teenagers. But we forget the power of our body language! You should also read extensively on this parenting style under Types of parenting styles.
Keep your head up and focus on the current situation. Keep your voice unshaken and strong. Do not cross your arms – this makes you more approachable. Mimic your teenager’s body language – this makes you appear relatable and understanding.
Stand tall even if you are short. But at least, stand straight but do not mount over them if you are much taller.
Ensure your voice is maintained on the same pitch, especially if you are a woman. Do not go making some upward inflection at the end of every sentence.
Keep eye contact, be calm, be empathetic, and be serious. Have confidence in your authority. If you seem unsure of yourself, your teenager will sense it very quickly and she could react to it.
6. Ensure Not To Take Things Personally
Your teenagers may actually get frustrated over certain things and end up throwing some hurtful and disrespectful words at you in a deliberate move to get some negative responses from you. But please, avoid taking everything your child says personally.
A 15-year-old teenager once told his music teacher he would kill him! Yeah! And that was in the teacher’s first year of teaching. The teenage boy was asked to leave a music studio for the turn of the next person. And the response came as a big shock!
Well, the teacher understood that the boy was just an angry teenager who was overwhelmed by emotions and needed to calm down before he finally realised his error. Well, he indeed came back to apologize after reflecting on the situation.
I have also been faced by teenagers saying all sorts of nasty to their parents, peers, teachers, elders and even me. And everytime someone reacts to their anger, such a person gets dragged into an argument with them.
When such happens, the teenager is often in control, saying things she doesn’t mean to say. And the situation spirals out of control. You respond as a parent in frustration and anger and what happens next? The situation turns into a shouting match!
Please, take a step back as an adult – try to exercise your maturity. Take a step back from the fuss, breathe, and gather your own thoughts. Avoid taking things personally at that time – even if the teenager seems to mean what she says (which most times is not likely).
Lastly, have it at the back of your mind that the kids are not some nasty or mean little people. They are children who are largely misunderstood and sometimes unappreciated.
Stay Positive as a parent.
And if perhaps you genuinely think that your teenager is exhibiting beyond the normal teenage behavior, you should try to talk to their school, counsellor or doctor to help monitor or assess for teenage behavioral or mental health problems.
Maybe sometimes you can hit a spot with: “Girl, you are disappointing me. You are a clever girl but you are behaving so silly right now!”
This may be quite hurtful to the teenager, but if they have any positive change of behavior as a result – even if it is just for a day – try shower them with so much praise to help build them up in a positive light.
Your teenagers crave love, not disappointment or disgust.
7. Don’t Forget This Is About Whatever Works
You may be right to ask why you should tip-toe around your adolescent just to give attention and praise, despite all you have done already to support the child. Well, since this is about what you can do to be more effective, you should consider it.
But if you are unwilling and think it is asking more of you, you can make the call. And if you can give the ‘positive opposite’ – that is, the positive attitudes you intend to increase – some attention, it would help to make some good improvements in your teenager’s behaviors. These recommendations have been proven by multiple studies as a way to improve a child’s teen behavior.
As your teenager improves in behavior, regular stress in the home will decrease and relationships in the family will improve.
